The Languages of Love
Feeling a little disconnected from your partner lately? Having that conversation of ‘One of us feels like they are trying harder than the other?’ Or just looking to build on a solid foundation?
I wrote this blog to give couples some ideas for growing in connection and filling each other's love tank. Think of it like this: If I think of a car’s gas tank as a metaphor of how loved I am feeling, what can my partner do to fill it up? If you or your partner’s tank has been running low or on empty for some time, it’s time to stop by the gas station. To do that, we are going to figure out our Love Languages.
This term comes from the book and theory by Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages. These ‘languages’ refer to how you most feel loved and seen by your partner, and how you express love.
The love languages include:
Words of affirmation- expressing love and appreciation through verbal or written expression.
Quality time- spending dedicated, uninterrupted time together while being present and enjoying each other's company.
Gifts- Receiving a tangible token of love and thoughtfulness, regardless of monetary value.
Acts of service- expression of love through helpful deeds and chores, helping your partner complete tasks.
Physical touch- expressing love through physical affection and intimate contact.
Take a free quiz at the link below to get to know your own love languages better, ranked from most to least meaningful to you:
https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
If my #1 love language is words of affirmation, that means that kind compliments and loving texts throughout the day do a good job of filling my tank up! In the opposite sense, a harsh word from my partner or long periods of time without compliments will drain my tank quicker. If gifts are a low-ranking love language for me, then receiving a gift from my partner, while much appreciated, probably doesn’t fill my tank in as efficiently as the kind words did.
I encourage you to not share your results with your partner immediately, and instead take turns trying to guess the ranking of their love languages, 1-5. When you reveal to each other what your own rankings are, it is interesting to see what you might have correctly or incorrectly assumed about your partner. Here’s a not-so-secret: most of the time, we tend to give love in the way we like to receive love. So, if words of affirmation are super important to me, I assume that they are important to my partner, too. However, if my partner’s love language is physical touch, and a kiss goodnight would be more impactful at filling their tank up more than kind words.
Try and get specific about each of the 5 categories (in order from #1-#5) by taking turns answering these questions:
What about this language do you enjoy most?
Define what this love language means to you- when do you feel it the most? Get specific. Instead of saying ‘When we spend time together’ for quality time, try narrowing it down to something like ‘When we go for long drives and talk without distractions” or “When we watch a movie together on the couch”.
How do you think your partner does at filling up your tank using this language? How could they get better- and think specifically here. If your language is words of affirmation- what do you like to be complimented on?
When was the last time your tank was full using this language? What were you doing, how were you feeling?
Now, we’re gonna write what I like to refer to as a ‘cheat sheet’ for building connection to your partner. This paper will include 3 specific actions for each love language that would help fill your tank. The next time you and your partner are feeling a little disconnected, or you just want to show up for them and make them feel loved, you can reach for this paper and have 15 ideas that come straight from them on how to do it. List your love languages in order and then write 3 things your partner has done, or could do, that would be effective in filling your tank. Here’s an example:
Quality Time
Make dinner reservations for us to enjoy a date night together.
Spend about 20-30 minutes at the end of the week dedicated to checking in with each other on how we’re doing as a couple and as individuals.
Go for a walk together in the mornings or afternoons.
Words of Affirmation
Text me randomly during the day so I know you are thinking of me.
Compliment my appearance without me asking how I look.
Tell me you are proud of me for an accomplishment.
Acts of Service
Wash, dry, and put away the dishes for me, because it’s my least favorite chore.
Fill up my car with gas for me if you notice it is low.
Plan an outing with our kids so I can have time for myself.
Physical Touch
Hold my hand while we watch TV on the couch.
Kiss me in the morning and before bed.
Put your hand on my back or waist while we are in a group setting.
Gifts
When you go to the grocery store, pick up a small treat that you know I like without me asking.
Take note of things I mention I would like, so that you have a thoughtful list of gift ideas for holidays and birthdays.
Surprise me with flowers for no reason.
Now, I want to make it known that this cheat sheet is not a list of demands or daily expectations. This list is a lifeline for when you are feeling disconnected, you or your partner's love tank is not full, or they have mentioned feeling distant with you. You now have 15 different fool-proof items available to encourage connection and make them feel loved, with the knowledge of which languages are more meaningful than others. If you notice that you struggle filling your partner’s tank on a consistent basis, challenge yourself to make this list a weekly practice, where you execute at least 3-7 items every week. Make this practice intentional, with check-ins at the end of the week to debrief with your partner about what changes they noticed and what they want more of. Be sure to acknowledge your partner’s efforts and let them know how full your love tank is each week!